Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Being Single, Divorced & Happy

"Relationships are complicated and complex, being single and divorced is a challenge."

I am single, divorced and Happy! Most people after hearing me say this think I am exaggerating or completely crazy. In a world where having a partner is ideal, it is unthinkable to be single let alone, happy.

More than a few times people have told me, I'm sorry! When I say that I am divorced. Sorry? Why? I feel quite the opposite. Let's be honest, although the number of divorces are increasing every day, there remains a major social prejudice against "our kind". Most see us as depressive, promiscuous, losers and as if that were not enough, they have pity on us!

Today, I intend to show you the other side of divorce, the lives of eight happy divorcees, from four different countries, religions, professions, and backgrounds.

Before proceeding, let me clarify that this is not an ode or to Divorce neither a any kind of propaganda. I firmly believe that it would be wonderful to have a partner, enjoy a stable, loving and satisfying relationship, where both work hard to make it work. I know people that are very happy in a relationship, they all agree that it is a difficult job, a daily decision to love your partner, where each give the best of themselves, especially in difficult times. Good relationships do not exist alone, require effort and dedication. A French friend who is very happily married, told me that in her life she has never worked so hard for anything, despite running a Political and Economical Research Institute, write books, participate in local and international debates, nothing compares to the effort that has been working for her relationship with her partner, "its exhausting," she said, however, "I am very happy ..."

Let me now introduce to V, she is 36, Sales Director for a prestigious Real Estate Development. She's very pretty and sexy, the kind of beauty that could have been a professional model in her youth, she also looks ten years younger, she is classy and elegant. A lovely human being, warmth, and affectionate . In addition to all of the above,  she is divorced and happy. V, married when she was 20 and had three children. She was married for about eight years, “the worse thing is that people tend to feel sorry for us; in my mindset I actually started to live, and my life changed for the best even though the amount of pressure I have raising my children by my self is bigger”. She doesn’t think she will marry again, “maybe meet somebody and have company but not necessary marry again. My ideal person would be someone with values, someone who shares the same goals or who aspire similar goals, with his priorities in order, someone who is hard worker, who values and respect his partner and so on”.  V's children were very young when she divorced, they don’t remember what it was like to have their parents living together, which has contributed to the children emotional health. "I am very thankful and happy for all I have, I feel blessed with my kids, they mean the world to me. My happiness is their happiness, and I am trying to teach them with my life how they should stay truthful for what they want and believe."

S, is 40, he is a Business Manager, handsome, successful and intelligent. For him, the divorce itself has made ​​him happier, "being married, I was unhappy because I lived for someone else who was not me. Divorced I feel alive. For me the result is that I have greater internal energy which helps me to unconsciously transmit this energy to those around me most importantly: “I have a better relationship with my daughters who I adore. They see me happy and therefore they are happy.”  S, does not want to remarry but doesn’t rule out a relationship with a woman that he wishes to be intelligent, mature and friendly with his daughters. The hardest part of his divorce was the conflict with his religious beliefs. His religion does not accept divorce, so he chose to stay away from religion, yet says, he is very close to God. Regarding his daughters, he expressed: “they suffered at the beginning. However they were being seriously damaged while they had their parents living under the same roof.  I can see them happier now. They are getting used to it. They now know how to split their time. It is not the ideal scenario but it's their reality, our reality”.

R, is 39, Entrepreneur, a remarkable man who has dreams of a better world. Successful, attractive, good friend. He would like to remarry if he finds the right person. R, shared something very wise and mature "I feel the first time you marry someone, you look for what you want and what you like, in many cases overlooking what you don't like or want. For the second time I feel the person adds more importance in what he or she do not want. I am not saying that is good or bad, is simply the way it is. In consequence, generally, second marriages take more time to happen but (usually) perform well”. R got married at 32 and was married for about five years, had no children and he sees himself as a happy person living a fulfilling life. "I am happy and if I ever get married again it will be only if my happiness increases".

M, is 37, Real Estate Broker. M, is one of my best friends. She is a beautiful, petite and attractive woman. I know few people who dress with such elegance and taste. Not even at the beach I have seen her wearing something out of place or loose her glamour. Her good taste is reflected not only in the way she dress but also at her home and at work. Whatever she does, she does it with excellence. She would do anything to help a relative or friend. Beautiful inside and out. M, married at age 23 and has been divorced for six years. She has two children, and she believes they were not affected by the divorce. Her divorce was conducted amicably, without discussions in a mature way with her former husband. M considered herself to be very happy, she tries to live her life to the fullest and at the moment her priority is her work, to who she depends economically; her happiness is her children and their happiness. Her ideal partner would be "a divorced man with children like me, affectionate, intelligent, funny with good manners and values, professional, handsome with high self esteem and someone who has a healthy relationship with his ex-wife. I don’t want anything negative for our relationship”. The funniest thing someone has told her is that she must be crazy if she wish to remarry”.

C, is 46 years old, Entrepreneur, Telecom and ICT Engineering Professional. He is a sexy and lovely man. He married when he was 27 and divorced 10 years ago. His son was 3 years old and he doesn’t remember when his parents lived together and is well adapted. C, would like to marry again, but is not actively looking for anyone. “What I am looking for, is a woman who can bring the best out of me. I am looking for a higher love. What I want is a love that surpasses the desire for worldly pleasures. I want a like minded person, emotionally mature and intelligent. I want relationship full of trust, affection, desire for each other, compassion, love and harmony. I look for my best friend, a lover, and partner for life, all in one. I am happy about my achievements. I am a self made man. I came from very humble beginnings. I am in a constant search for the truth. My achilles heel is my son, I miss him” (they are living in different countries at present, but they see each other often). “I am a very positive person, I do not entertain negative thoughts”.

A, is 42 years old, Industrial Designer, a sexy woman who likes to lead a healthy lifestyle. Exercise is an important part of her life. A, not sure if she would like to marry again. She married at age 25 and has been divorced for three years. She has one daughter and thanks to the maturity in which she and her former husband have brought the divorce, her daughter is completely adapted. She considers herself a happy person who has reached her goals and live her life to the fullest.

A, is 41 years old, life model and writer. He is handsome, intelligent and likes to look at life from different angles. He has a passion for cars and motorcycles. He married when he was 30 years old and has been divorced for six years, (although he separated two years before that). After his divorce he entered the University and obtained a degree in English with Creative Writing. A, does not rule out the possibility of remarriage, “getting married again is a possibility, so I'm open to idea if I meet the right person”. Regarding his ideal person, he replied: “what I'm looking for is someone who is intelligent and interesting with a joyful outlook on life”.  He considers that in a scale from 1-100%, perhaps he is 50% happy. For now, he is focused in his next stage and that would be his career taking one step at a time. A, has no children.

Finally, C she is 45, she has a Catering Company, and is a beautiful woman inside and out. She likes to learn new things and be a better person every day. Her greatest conflict after her divorce was to recover her identity, since many people only knew her by her husband family name. She would like to remarry if she meets a happy man, emotionally detached. Her teenage daughters are adapted to the divorce and they seem happy. She married at age 27 and has been divorced for eight years. She Considers herself to be 100% happy.

What do these people have in common besides being divorced? The answer is very simple, they all learned to love, accept, value, and respect themselves. They learned that they don’t need another person in order to be happy, they let aside the emotional ties. When your happiness depends on someone else, you are in serious trouble.
None of them is going through a deep depression, they learned to live each day to the fullest and with intensity.

There is no such thing as an easy divorce, but if it gets to that point, it must be dealt with maturity and objectivity. Wasn’t that the idea? Stop fighting and end a relationship that was not working? However, due to the immaturity of a large majority of divorcees, people tend to stereotype. There are plenty of unstable people, who have addictive relationships and are unable to break ties. But is not everyone.
We are also called promiscuous, promiscuous? The most promiscuous people I know are "happily married" or in a relationship. When you are divorced you have no need.

There is another world beyond these people. There is a group of  stable and happy people like the ones I have introduced you.

Nobody said it was easy, and many call us losers and cowards for not fighting for the sake of the relationship.
Let me tell you something very personal. I needed a lot of courage and strength to take the decision to divorce, it would have been much easier for me to keep my status and continue with my marriage. That would have been much easier, but that would’ve been a grave mistake. I would’ve have fail to achieve my happiness. In order to keep my integrity I needed be truthful to myself, to my principles and my beliefs. I see it as an act of courage, a leap into the unknown, an abyss that I didn’t know what lays at the bottom. I was scared to death. But it was necessary to grow as a person. The responsibility was tremendous and the fear even worse, How much will my child suffer? Will I hurt my husband? What will my family and friends going to think? What will become of me? Will I be able to start a new life?
Cowards? We are not, nothing could be further from the truth.

It is thanks to this act of courage that I can honestly tell you today that I am a happy, complete and satisfied person. I learned to be happy, to love and accept myself. If I ever have the good fortune to meet that special person with whom I would like to share my life, it will be because this person will be someone I can share my happiness with, someone that will complement me, and brings the best out of me.

Last but not least I would like to thank my wonderful friends who shared with us their personal experiences. You have enriched my life and the life of those who will read us.
I wholeheartedly wish you all the happiness in the world. To my dear readers, I appreciate the time you spent on reading this, it was a little bit longer than I usual, but it was necessary. I'd love to hear your comments. Thank you!

Please contact me if you find any grammatical errors, I apologize but English is not my native language.